After all a Love Shack can conquer all!
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Friday, April 8, 2016
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
4 out of 4
IF I HAD TO GIVE MY WIFE A SINGLE SCORE
IT WOULD BE FOUR
FOUR OUT OF FOUR
FOR I LOVE IT WHEN SHE HITS THE DANCE FLOOR
THE DANCE FLOOR
THE DANCE FLOOR
IF I HAD TO GIVE MY LIFE A SINGLE SCORE
IT WOULD BE FOUR
FOUR OUT OF FOUR
CAUSE I LOVE IT WHEN SHE HITS THE DANCE FLOOR
THE DANCE FLOOR
THE DANCE FLOOR
Mwah.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
THE GRUMBLIES
Edgar didn’t feel well. He had the Grumblies in his tumbly. He wasn't quite sure how they got there. It was probably the spiked eggnog from the office Christmas party. It felt thick and tasty warm going down and he laughed and even danced when Cool and the Gang’s “Celebrate” played over the raspy company speakers. But now those annoying Grumblies were swimming around making him quite unhappy. For the past forty-five minutes he had been hoping that it was all his imagination until he belched and heard a tiny voice singing, “Zanabootha, Mi Ma!”
He didn’t speak Grumbly and didn’t know what the hell, “Zanabootha, Mi Ma!” meant but it sounded vaguely reminiscent of “Celebrate good times, Come on!”
He stumbled to the bathroom of his studio apartment and opened the cabinet. An old band-aid, half finished expired bottle of Amoxicillan, and a can of Edge Super Sensitive Gel were the only occupants of the dilapidated cabinet. He knew this but had been hoping perhaps a solitary “Grumb-B-Gone” packet might have been lying somewhere unnoticed. No such luck. This, was bad news. If those Grumblies went unchecked and made their way deeper into his intestines...well, he couldn’t even think of that. He had gone to the hospital once for a Grumbl-enema. Never again. Not to mention the Gallstones they had left behind.
Edgar sighed. He leaned over the toilet and stuck his finger down his throat. It felt slick and slimy warm. He gagged but did not vomit. He opened his mouth wider and pushed his plump finger even further down. He felt his gorge begin to rise when an intense and severe prick was felt on his plump pink fingertip. He withdrew his hand from his mouth tasting the sharp coppery flavor of blood. Firmly implanted into the end of his right index finger was a tiny metal sliver. With a wince he withdrew what he discovered to be a sword measuring approximately two millimeters. Although small, it was quite large enough to cause a not insignificant amount of pain. As he sucked on the sore finger he thought he heard a roar of jubilation from deep inside his gut.
“Damn Grumblies,” he muttered.
Edgar decided to find something else to stick down his throat. He surveyed the small bathroom and decided upon his toothbrush. It was really a rather sad looking toothbrush. The brushes were bent and curled. He had needed a new brush for some time now but always managed to forget until the next time he brushed his teeth. He grabbed the toothbrush firmly and poked it down his throat (rear end first of course) and painfully scraped the tender back of his throat but did manage to gag. Oh, did he gag. His stomach heaved and he barely had time to remove the toothbrush when a small green Grumbly came tumbling out of his mouth and fell with a splat on the dingy floor. It looked up angrily, its tiny eyes sparking. It squeaked out something at Edgar but he paid it no heed. Instead he brought one of his hard-heeled wingtips (the left one to be exact) rapidly down on the Grumbly with a satisfying crunch. The bottom of his shoe was sticky slick with white creamy eggnog and Grumbly guts. “One down,” Edgar grunted with a smirk. Unfortunately, Grumblies tend to grow in packs of eight to twelve. It looked to be a slow and very uncomfortable process. With a shrug and a resigned sigh he leaned over the toilet and shoved the toothbrush once again far back into his throat. But just as he began to gag he felt the toothbrush wrestled from his fingers. He tried to regain control but when he reached down grasping at the toothbrush he felt a jolt of pain from the injured fingertip causing him to release it. It was jerked deeply down his esophagus. Edgar lurched up coughing and choking on the woefully old Oral-B. His face turned a bright fiery red when the slick heel of his wingtips caused him to slip on the hard tiled flooring of the bathroom. He fell fast, his head hitting the side of the bathtub with a sickening “Kathunk” that sounded like someone hitting a home run with a grapefruit.
He was found two days later by a concerned co-worker. The Grumblies having long since left, most likely escaping down the bathtub drain. They had taken the body of the squashed Grumbly and the small sword with them. The coroner was left to conclude that Edgar had gotten sick after drinking too much at the office party and had slipped in his own vomit while brushing his teeth, hitting his head on the edge of the tub.
He didn’t speak Grumbly and didn’t know what the hell, “Zanabootha, Mi Ma!” meant but it sounded vaguely reminiscent of “Celebrate good times, Come on!”
He stumbled to the bathroom of his studio apartment and opened the cabinet. An old band-aid, half finished expired bottle of Amoxicillan, and a can of Edge Super Sensitive Gel were the only occupants of the dilapidated cabinet. He knew this but had been hoping perhaps a solitary “Grumb-B-Gone” packet might have been lying somewhere unnoticed. No such luck. This, was bad news. If those Grumblies went unchecked and made their way deeper into his intestines...well, he couldn’t even think of that. He had gone to the hospital once for a Grumbl-enema. Never again. Not to mention the Gallstones they had left behind.
Edgar sighed. He leaned over the toilet and stuck his finger down his throat. It felt slick and slimy warm. He gagged but did not vomit. He opened his mouth wider and pushed his plump finger even further down. He felt his gorge begin to rise when an intense and severe prick was felt on his plump pink fingertip. He withdrew his hand from his mouth tasting the sharp coppery flavor of blood. Firmly implanted into the end of his right index finger was a tiny metal sliver. With a wince he withdrew what he discovered to be a sword measuring approximately two millimeters. Although small, it was quite large enough to cause a not insignificant amount of pain. As he sucked on the sore finger he thought he heard a roar of jubilation from deep inside his gut.
“Damn Grumblies,” he muttered.
Edgar decided to find something else to stick down his throat. He surveyed the small bathroom and decided upon his toothbrush. It was really a rather sad looking toothbrush. The brushes were bent and curled. He had needed a new brush for some time now but always managed to forget until the next time he brushed his teeth. He grabbed the toothbrush firmly and poked it down his throat (rear end first of course) and painfully scraped the tender back of his throat but did manage to gag. Oh, did he gag. His stomach heaved and he barely had time to remove the toothbrush when a small green Grumbly came tumbling out of his mouth and fell with a splat on the dingy floor. It looked up angrily, its tiny eyes sparking. It squeaked out something at Edgar but he paid it no heed. Instead he brought one of his hard-heeled wingtips (the left one to be exact) rapidly down on the Grumbly with a satisfying crunch. The bottom of his shoe was sticky slick with white creamy eggnog and Grumbly guts. “One down,” Edgar grunted with a smirk. Unfortunately, Grumblies tend to grow in packs of eight to twelve. It looked to be a slow and very uncomfortable process. With a shrug and a resigned sigh he leaned over the toilet and shoved the toothbrush once again far back into his throat. But just as he began to gag he felt the toothbrush wrestled from his fingers. He tried to regain control but when he reached down grasping at the toothbrush he felt a jolt of pain from the injured fingertip causing him to release it. It was jerked deeply down his esophagus. Edgar lurched up coughing and choking on the woefully old Oral-B. His face turned a bright fiery red when the slick heel of his wingtips caused him to slip on the hard tiled flooring of the bathroom. He fell fast, his head hitting the side of the bathtub with a sickening “Kathunk” that sounded like someone hitting a home run with a grapefruit.
He was found two days later by a concerned co-worker. The Grumblies having long since left, most likely escaping down the bathtub drain. They had taken the body of the squashed Grumbly and the small sword with them. The coroner was left to conclude that Edgar had gotten sick after drinking too much at the office party and had slipped in his own vomit while brushing his teeth, hitting his head on the edge of the tub.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
5 THINGS YOU NEED TO STOP DOING. IF YOU ARE DOING THESE THINGS YOU ARE MAKING THE WORLD WORSE...NOT BETTER.
5. MAKING THE OBVIOUS JOKE
You meet somebody and their name is...oh I don't know let's say Thomas Cruz. So you make a Tom Cruise joke. Or you meet this guy...
An obvious joke comes to your mind and you think it's funny. It's not.
At least not to the person you are talking to. They have heard it too
many times. Don't make the obvious joke. You are not being original.
Laugh on the inside if need be. Cause sometimes you have to.
4. WRITING CHECKS AT THE GROCERY STORE
We are in the 21st Century. The 21st! Get a debit card. It's as simple as that. And guess what...that person behind the counter isn't your friend and you don't need to spend time talking to them about your life unless you live in the pacific northwest and they actually are one of your best friends which is FINE but if you want to chat it up wait till others have passed through the line. We've got really important...you know THINGS to do.
3. CAMPING IN THE LEFT LANE
Driving in the left lane and not passing cars is actually illegal and I don't care if you are doing 63 mph in a 55 if YOU are in the left lane and driving side by side with the car next to you for a couple minutes...then YOU are a jerk. Get outta the left lane.
IT'S ILLEGAL
2. CROWDING AROUND THE CAROUSEL AS YOU WAIT TO PICK UP YOUR LUGGAGE.
1. THROWING YOUR CIGARETTE BUTTS ON THE GROUND
The world is not your ashtray. You want to do that on the floor of your house fine with me but don't do it in my city Ass-hat!
You meet somebody and their name is...oh I don't know let's say Thomas Cruz. So you make a Tom Cruise joke. Or you meet this guy...
4. WRITING CHECKS AT THE GROCERY STORE
We are in the 21st Century. The 21st! Get a debit card. It's as simple as that. And guess what...that person behind the counter isn't your friend and you don't need to spend time talking to them about your life unless you live in the pacific northwest and they actually are one of your best friends which is FINE but if you want to chat it up wait till others have passed through the line. We've got really important...you know THINGS to do.
3. CAMPING IN THE LEFT LANE
Driving in the left lane and not passing cars is actually illegal and I don't care if you are doing 63 mph in a 55 if YOU are in the left lane and driving side by side with the car next to you for a couple minutes...then YOU are a jerk. Get outta the left lane.
IT'S ILLEGAL
2. CROWDING AROUND THE CAROUSEL AS YOU WAIT TO PICK UP YOUR LUGGAGE.
This is a personal pet peeve of mine that happens EVERY time I fly and
having spent many years touring on the road I have seen this far too
many times. What, you can't see your luggage from 5 feet away?
Nooooo, you have to stand shoulder to shoulder with each other with
your shins pressed firmly against the edge. You know why it's a
problem? Because when MY luggage comes out before your baggage does I
have to gently nudge my way in and usually my huge ass suitcase WILL hit
you as I pull it off. Seriously...back up. Just a couple feet and it
will all work out so much smoother.
Airport Luggage Carousel Etiquette
Airport Luggage Carousel Etiquette
1. THROWING YOUR CIGARETTE BUTTS ON THE GROUND
The world is not your ashtray. You want to do that on the floor of your house fine with me but don't do it in my city Ass-hat!
My first gay friend.
When I was a kid in the early 1970's I watched a lot of cartoons.
There happened to be two pink felines featured on Saturday mornings.
There was The Pink Panther who first appeared in 1963.
The theme song by Mancini was one of the reasons I started playing saxophone.
Here is a video.
The Pink Panther
The Pink Panther didn't talk but he was cool.
Yet even before him was Snagglepuss, a Hanna-Barbera cartoon created in 1959. He DID talk...a whole lot!
"Heavens to Murgatroid" was one of his catch phrases.
I came across this Video the other day and suddenly realized that Snagglepuss was probably my first gay friend.
There was The Pink Panther who first appeared in 1963.
The theme song by Mancini was one of the reasons I started playing saxophone.
Here is a video.
The Pink Panther
The Pink Panther didn't talk but he was cool.
Yet even before him was Snagglepuss, a Hanna-Barbera cartoon created in 1959. He DID talk...a whole lot!
"Heavens to Murgatroid" was one of his catch phrases.
I know it's not right to "out" someone and I find the best policy is generally NOT to assume anything about someone's sexuality.
I HAVE READ AND AGREE TO THE TERMS OF USE
I HAVE READ AND AGREE TO THE TERMS OF USE
I come across this from time to time either installing a new program or app or acquiring a new service. It looks something like this from the Older Gamers Forum.
I HAVE READ AND AGREE TO THE TERMS OF USE annoys me because essentially every time I check that little box I am lying. I didn't read it. I have no intention of reading it.
So, this is my petition to ask whoever it is that writes and/or programs these little legal protections that they simply add a box that says...
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT LEGALESE AND PROMISE TO NEVER SUE YOUR PRODUCT FOR STEALING MY IMAGES AND GATHERING INCRIMINATING DATA ABOUT MY LIFE AND DOING ALL SORTS OF SURREPTITIOUS THINGS THAT I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY DOING ANYWAYS AS LONG AS YOU DON'T TAKE MY MONEY...MUTHASCRATCHA!
I will check that every time. You see, I prefer not to lie.
Or maybe just a box that simply says...
I AGREE TO TERMS OF SERVICE.
If not for me then think of the conundrum this gives those concerned that this small act of checking a box might be a sin....like the following...
http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=510037
I come across this from time to time either installing a new program or app or acquiring a new service. It looks something like this from the Older Gamers Forum.
I am not a member of the Older Gamers Forum. I did a google image search for I HAVE READ etc and was intrigued
by this group that popped up. Not that I can't imagine there are older
gamers who would prefer play with equally mature like-minded folk. Something along the lines of these guys...
Eventually turning into into these guys...
But then I started wondering about the rules of The Older Gamers Forum. I imagined guidelines with anachronistic and esoteric eccentricities.
Would they have to play their way in by completing a codified list of games qualifying them to be a member...from Frogger to Donkey Kong...Mario Cart and beyond?
Would they have to name games by their sounds like members of the Audubon Society?
Here is a fun video game sound test.
Turns out their rules are pretty basic. You have to be over 25 and not peddling porn or pyramid schemes. Oh well.
 |
| Brian Herriot and David Josefsberg |
But then I started wondering about the rules of The Older Gamers Forum. I imagined guidelines with anachronistic and esoteric eccentricities.
Would they have to play their way in by completing a codified list of games qualifying them to be a member...from Frogger to Donkey Kong...Mario Cart and beyond?
Would they have to name games by their sounds like members of the Audubon Society?
Here is a fun video game sound test.
Turns out their rules are pretty basic. You have to be over 25 and not peddling porn or pyramid schemes. Oh well.
I HAVE READ AND AGREE TO THE TERMS OF USE annoys me because essentially every time I check that little box I am lying. I didn't read it. I have no intention of reading it.
So, this is my petition to ask whoever it is that writes and/or programs these little legal protections that they simply add a box that says...
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT LEGALESE AND PROMISE TO NEVER SUE YOUR PRODUCT FOR STEALING MY IMAGES AND GATHERING INCRIMINATING DATA ABOUT MY LIFE AND DOING ALL SORTS OF SURREPTITIOUS THINGS THAT I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY DOING ANYWAYS AS LONG AS YOU DON'T TAKE MY MONEY...MUTHASCRATCHA!
I will check that every time. You see, I prefer not to lie.
Or maybe just a box that simply says...
I AGREE TO TERMS OF SERVICE.
If not for me then think of the conundrum this gives those concerned that this small act of checking a box might be a sin....like the following...
http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=510037
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